Taking Ownership Over Our Emotions

I teach emotional understanding, projection, and taking ownership of where our emotions come from, and still, even for me, it is hard. So, it’s not about whether you own your stuff or not, it’s a scale, from a little to a deeper understanding of ourselves.
 

It’s important to understand that when I feel something, my natural reaction is to believe it’s connected to the here and now. Often, the belief that I’m angry at my partner is much more accessible than recognizing that it’s an echo of anger toward a parent.

Today, I’ll simplify this by breaking down our capacity for awareness into four levels, using a simple example:
 

You’re looking forward to spending an evening with your partner. They come home and share that they need to change plans because something came up at work. Immediately, you notice yourself getting triggered. The reality is that when you were small, you were often left alone, and this has left an anxiety in you that arises when you start to open your heart. How do you react?
 

Level 0 – No Awareness: Drama or Disconnection

You project all your emotions onto the present moment and blame the other, or you shut down and pretend everything is fine while feeling disconnected.

• "You always prioritize work! You don’t care about our relationship!"

• Or you smile and say, "No worries, love," while inside, you feel disconnected, unloved, or sad. Result: The connection is broken, and there is often blame, conflict, and no repair. (i.e: no ownership of $H!T 🙃)

Level 1 – Controlling Your Verbal Reaction but Not Your Emotional State (This is already a huge step)

You recognize that you’re reacting strongly and use a non-violent way of communicating:

• "I notice that you are canceling tonight makes me disappointed and sad, but I understand." However, you stay passive-aggressive or shut down emotionally. Result: There is some understanding, but the connection is still broken.
   

Level 2 – Owning Your Trauma with Mature Awareness and Communicating Your Needs (This is the level I love teaching!)

You still feel the emotions but take ownership of where they come from. You understand that they have little or nothing to do with the present moment. You also ask for support or take care of your needs in another way. The connection might be broken for a moment, but you repair it.

• "I notice my abandonment wound from childhood gets really triggered. It’s difficult to handle, but my adult is okay with it. If you are available, I’d love to get a hug." Result: The connection was briefly broken but then repaired.
   

Level 3 – No Longer Reacting to Trauma, Staying in Adult Consciousness

This level includes all the previous ones, but there is no longer drama. “You still acknowledge any emotions that arise, but they don’t consume you or dictate your response. You still communicate your needs.

• "Okay love, no worries, I’ll do something else. But can you make sure we make space for us in the next few days since we are canceling today?" Result: There was no break in connection, and needs were still communicated.
   

I made up these four levels today as a way to simplify this reality, it's of course much more complex than this.

Which level do you recognize yourself in most often? What would taking one step forward look like for you?